What's With the Lisp?

I’m probably setting myself up for a lot of hate mail with this next blog, but this is a question that’s literally been bugging me for years and I’d like to at least throw it out there.

Now, anybody who knows me well enough will tell you that I’m not much of a gay advocate.

Do I hate gays? No.
Am I homophobic? No.
Do I have an opinion about homosexuality? Definitely.

It will be all I can do to stop myself from listing all of the reasons I have for standing against gay marriage, but I really will try to refrain because that’s not the point of this blog. Invariably, some gay advocate will mock the sanctity of heterosexual marriage by invoking the Britney Spears example, so I’ll quickly say the following:

Every God-created thing that exists on this planet has the potential to be abused by stupid people. Whether it’s marriage, sex, food, water or whatever, humans have the potential to ruin good things if they’re not cautious. That’s life.... and that's another blog for another day.

For the past couple of years now, I’ve dared to ask the questions that the majority of Americans eschew when it comes to homosexuality. Let’s take my most recent adventure as an illustration.

Three guys are walking up Tremont Street in Boston, just past the Red Hat bar. I’m walking behind them en route to the Kinsale restaurant to meet my wife for dinner. These guys are just shootin’ the sh*t about their regular mundane jobs and all of a sudden, my gay-dar starts beeping. I don’t know these guys from a hole in the wall, so why do I get the strong suspicion that they’re gay?

Undaunted, I tapped one of them on the shoulder to get his attention. He turned to face me and here’s what I said:

“Excuse me. You don’t have to answer this question if you don’t want to, but I was wondering if you three guys are gay or straight?”

One of the guys giggled incredulously, one just kinda looked at me as if I’d just eaten a worm and the third guy said, “Well, not that it’s any of your business, but we’re all gay.”

I said, “Thanks. That’s all I needed to know.” and that was the end of the conversation.

So, how did I know they were gay? They weren’t dressed flamboyantly, yet clothing was a factor. They didn’t have hair down to their asses, yet hairstyle was a factor. And they weren’t discussing gay topics, yet their speech gave them away instantly.

Here’s how I figured the not-so-mysterious mystery out:

CLOTHING: No, they weren’t wearing long, glittery robes with neon lights flashing the words, "Mrs. Pitt" and no, they weren’t wearing ass-less chaps, high heels, tummy shirts or anything of that sort. In fact, they were dressed very well; as if they'd just walked out of the f**king Abercrombie & Fitch Fall catalog. Simply put, the Queer Eye dudes might be snappy dressers, but normal heterosexual guys tend to relax what little fashion sense they might have. They don’t care about matching shoe color with hair color or what color shirt goes well with their eyes. With some dudes, just getting them to wear clean underwear and socks is an accomplishment.

Point of Fact: We of the "woman-banging" variety don’t generally tuck in our shirts, wear stylish shoes or don suit jackets unless we’re waiting to get into a nightclub to go chick-hunting.

These three dudes were walking up Tremont Street with style and panache… on a Wednesday evening.

HAIR: This was another indicator. All three of these guys had slick hairdos, glistening with gel. Now, unless they were just coming from a Blaine Hair Salon photoshoot, there’d be no real reason to be looking like that. Most women seem to prefer a clean-cut guy with hair that isn’t sticky or crunchy, partly because they can run their fingers through the man’s hair and partly because it isn’t 1986.

VOICE: This is the part that bugs me the most. Why is it that so many gay men speak with a lisp? I used to think it was a stereotype against dudes who were a little light in the loafers, but as I’ve observed time and time and time again, the gay lisp isn’t a rare phenomenon. It’s hard to describe to someone who’s never heard it. I can’t really call it effeminate because even women don’t sound like this. I’d love to do a survey of 1,000 men who have these lisps and find out what percentage of these men suffer from a legitimate speech impediment and how many of them are just plain gay.

But aside from lisping, there’s a certain way that many gay men speak that’s, well…. just not very manly. I’m inclined to say that it takes a deliberate effort to speak in this fluffy way; almost as a verbal badge of honor for the ones who just accept their gayness and don’t make any apologies for it. Maybe I’m wrong and if I am, feel free to speak out, but I truly don’t believe that guys are born with this manner of speech. And before I get pelted with bitch slaps, let me just say that I’m perfectly aware that there are plenty of gay guys out there who look, act and sound just like regular guys. I’m not talking about these guys. I’m talking about the ones who sound like that gay Mexican dude from “The Birdcage.” I’m talking about those guys in the movie “The Rules of Attraction” who rush their gay friend to the ER. That whole limp-wristed, lispy sub-culture of guys who, through their speech, lets the world know that they’d rather get a lap dance from Jesse Metcalfe than Eva Longoria.

My point is that, if you believe you’re gay and there’s no other way for you, that’s one thing. Wear fashionable clothes if you want. Grease up your head to the point where you can slide it through a keyhole if it makes you happy. But for goodness sake, lose the f**king lisp, will ya? Yeah, it makes you sound gay, and that’s probably the whole point, but it also makes you sound really f**king stupid. So, butch it up a little, huh? Seriously.